One thing that bothers me is that it’s like I don’t have enough time and space for my thoughts. I don’t mean that I need to ponder life’s big questions or anything like that. But in everyday life there are things you need to keep track of. A couple of work projects with different tasks involved. Kids’ birthdays coming up. Friends we haven’t seen in a long time. What to do this summer. Remember to apply for football school on the right day when the registration opens. Respond to messages and emails. Get the summer tires on the car. And so on and so forth.

Whenever I have some time in stillness—and it’s not like I’m actively seeking it, sometimes it just happens, like in the shower or when trying to sleep—all the things I should be keeping in mind start spinning and spinning. And more than anything else, I feel a sense of not having accomplished enough. All the undone things just stack up in my head.

My solution to this has been distraction. And that’s an art I’ve perfected.

If I’m watching sports, I can always play a mobile game at the same time—if the game isn’t intense enough. When I’m trying to fall asleep, I listen to a podcast to keep my thoughts in check. And in the shower—this is the truly tricky one—I’ve managed to train myself to think deeply about strategy in whatever mobile game I’m playing at the time.

To be honest, even though I’ve been aware of this on some level, I wouldn’t have been able to admit it to myself just a couple of weeks ago. But seeing it now in the light... it feels like my strategy has been the equivalent of taking out a loan to pay off a credit card bill.

Since becoming aware of it, I’ve tried to break the spiral. To let go of some of the habits. But so far, for example, not listening to podcasts when I’m falling asleep just means I can’t fall asleep. I guess the habits run deep.

Awareness is always the first step, and I guess I have to let it take some time.